In addition to the usual to-do list on your phone, notebook, or project management tool, there’s one that you run mentally in the background of everything you do. That’s the list that arrives in your mind before you’ve opened your eyes in the morning and is still running when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. Even keeps you awake at night.

I should be further along by now.
I must get this done before the end of the week.
I have to make this work.
I should be more consistent with my content.
I need to figure this out.

You know the list. You’ve been carrying it for far too long time.

But we’re not going to talk about what’s on your list today. The topic is the language the list is written in. Because the shoulds, the musts, the have-tos — they’re not neutral in the way they organize priorities or make you stay accountable to what matters.

That language creates a contraction in the body before action has even begun.

What obligation language actually does

It appears as a slight tightening in the shoulders (and jaw area), a shortening of the breath, a pressure so persistent that most of us stop noticing it’s there. We just carry it. As the permanent background state from which we attempt to build, lead, create, and show up consistently.

From a body that is already under pressure before the day has begun.

The nervous system responds to the language of obligation the way it responds to threat. Should signals threat. Must signals threat. Have to signals threat. And so, before the task has even begun, the body is already activated for the possibility of failure. Of not being enough.

And from that contracted state, from that mild state of defense, the actions that follow carry that energy of defense. The email written from should feels different from the email written from choice. The content created from have to lands differently from the content created from genuine desire. The pitch delivered from must sounds different (both to the listener and yourself) from the pitch delivered from sense of possibility.

Your language shapes the state. Your state shapes the action. And your action shapes everything that follows.

Most of us have never examined the language running underneath the list. We’ve examined the list itself. Many times. Reorganized it, prioritized it, tried to get through it more efficiently, felt guilty about what remains undone at the end of the day. But the language the list is written in has been running unchallenged, shaping the internal state from which everything gets attempted, for years.

The three-step exercise

Years ago I came across an exercise that I first encountered through Louise Hay. And I want to share it with you today. I’ve used it myself more times than I can count. I’ve used it with clients for years, too. And the response, almost without exception, is the same.

It lifts the weight. Physically.

Here’s how it works.

Step one: Take a piece of paper. Write your real list (the one running in the background). Write everything in the language it actually arrives in. I should. I must. I have to. I need to. Don’t edit. Don’t prioritize. Don’t make it look better than it actually feels. Just write it all down, in the language it genuinely arrives in.

Then read it back to yourself. Preferably out loud. And notice what it feels like in the body to read it. The shoulders. The breath. All the sensations in the body.

Step two: Write the list again. Same items (every single one). But this time replace every should, must, have to, need to with could.

I could send that.
I could be more consistent with my content.
I could get this done before the end of the week.
I could figure this out.

Read that version. Again, slowly. And notice what shifts. It might be subtle.

Step three: Write the list one final time. Same items. But this time: if I really want to, I can.

If I really want to, I can send that.
If I really want to, I can be more consistent with my content.
If I really want to, I can get this done before the end of the week.
If I really want to, I can figure this out.

Read that version. All the way through. And pay attention to what happens in the body.

What happens when the weight lifts

The first time I did this exercise, I wasn’t expecting the physical sensation of a weight lifted. As if something I had been carrying in my shoulders, chest, and in the way I was holding myself — released. And it became so much easier to breathe. Really. The breath came more freely and I exhaled in a way I hadn’t for a long time under the weight of the should list.

What fascinated me was that nothing on the list had changed (yet). Not a single item. The things I had been telling myself I should do were still there, still real, and still waiting. But the relationship to them had completely transformed. From obligation to choice. From pressure to permission. From have to to want to.

And in that shift, this question became visible:

Which of these things do I actually choose to do?

Not which ones should I do. Not which ones would make me look more consistent, productive, or on top of things to someone observing from the outside. Which ones did I actually, genuinely choose from a place of real desire rather than accumulated obligation?

That’s a different question. And it turns out to have a different answer.

What the exercise reveals about your actual priorities

I’ve used this exercise (which is slightly altered from Louise Hay’s original) with clients for years. And what I’ve witnessed, consistently, is the same physical response: the weight lifting, breath returning, and the body releasing something it had been holding without knowing it was holding it.

And then…

The list changes.

I don’t tell anyone to change it. We don’t do any strategic analysis of priorities or assessment of what’s realistic or aligned. But when the pressure is removed, when the obligation falls away and what’s left is genuine choice, people discover that some of what was on their ‘should’ list wasn’t actually something they wanted at all.

It was something they thought they were supposed to want. Something they’d been carrying out of habit, or expectation, or the accumulated weight of what a successful founder is supposed to have on her list. Something that belonged to someone else’s definition of success rather than their own.

Those things fall off.

And new things appear instead. Things that weren’t on the original list because the pressure of the should didn’t leave room for them. Things that belong to genuine desire and choice rather than obligation. Things that, it turns out, are more aligned with what the person is actually building and who she actually is than half the items on the original list. Sometimes more aligned than any of the items on the original list.

The real priorities reveal themselves from freedom.

This is what I mean when I say this exercise is more than a productivity tool. It’s a clarifying instrument. It shows you, in a very direct and physical way, what you actually want, instead of what you’ve been telling yourself you should want. And that distinction turns out to matter enormously.

Why the language of choice changes what’s possible

Although it’s easy to receive this exercise as a way of letting yourself off the hook and giving yourself a permission to drop the things that feel hard or inconvenient or uncomfortable, this isn’t it.

If I really want to, I can, followed by a genuine yes, is not easier than should. In some ways it’s harder. Because it removes the excuse of obligation. You can no longer do the thing resentfully, mechanically, from the position of someone who has no choice. If you’re doing it, you’re doing it because you actually choose to. That’s a different kind of accountability. A more honest one.

And if I really want to, I can, followed by a genuine no, or not right now, or actually this doesn’t belong on my list at all, is discernment. The ability to distinguish between what you’re carrying out of genuine commitment and what you’re carrying out of the fear of what it would mean to put it down.

Both outcomes are more useful than the should list. Because both are honest.

The should list keeps you stuck in obligation regardless of whether the obligation is real. The if I really want to, I can list returns you to agency. To genuine choice. To the authorship of your own priorities rather than the passive carrying of a list that accumulated without your conscious consent.

What to do with what you find

Here’s what I invite you to do today.

Write the list. All three versions. Take the time to read each one slowly, and to notice (without judgment and immediately trying to fix anything) what happens in the body as you move through them.

Notice what shifts when you get to the third version. Notice what stays, the things that remain on the list with a genuine yes even in the language of choice. Those are your real priorities. The things worth bringing your full energy to.

Notice what falls away. The things that, stripped of the should, reveal themselves as never having truly belonged to you. Those are worth examining. Where did they come from? Whose expectations are you carrying? What would it cost you to put them down?

And notice what appears that wasn’t there before. The things that emerged from underneath the pressure of the should list. The desires that had been waiting quietly for the obligation to lift before they could make themselves known.

The list that emerges from the third version of the exercise is closer to the truth of what you actually want to build with your one life than the should list has ever been.

You don’t have to carry the weight of obligation to stay accountable to what matters.

If you really want to — you can.

And if you really don’t want to — that’s worth knowing too.

The Rapid Reset for Hesitation Loops is a practical toolkit for continuing the work with yourself in moments when the pressure language is running and you want something to interrupt it and return you to yourself. You deserve to stay with yourself when something important is being asked of you.
👉 Rapid Reset for Hesitation Loops — €27

Paula Immo works with founders and leaders navigating the gap between knowing and doing. Her focus is on fear of visibility, hesitation patterns, and the inner work that supports sustainable leadership.