Earlier this week I got a message from a client who was about to be interviewed in a big radio show the next day. Suddenly she was doubting her abilities to handle the live interview, feeling unconfident.
Sound familiar?
Suddenly feeling doubts on the brink of something new or with something you’re less familiar doing in everyday life?
What we often forget in these processes, is that the uncomfortable feelings are a normal part of it.
For what I’ve experienced, and witnessed, it’s normal for everyone to feel unconfident or experience doubts from time to time.
Even for the highest of leaders. I work on these regularly with my clients. (And myself.)
But how do you know that you’re not confident?
I’d guess by the thoughts that circle in your mind and the emotions you experience.
But can we be sure those thoughts are true?
In my experience, confidence is a concept in your mind. A belief. A belief that you are capable of doing whatever it is that you’re doing. Or about to do.
Whether it’s that interview or a go-to-market plan for your start-up. Or knowing what to say when making that important phone call, or pitching for the next funding round.
But what is a belief then?
Belief is a thought that you keep thinking. And when you keep thinking the same thoughts over and over again, you start to view those thoughts as truth and they become the guiding principles in your life.
Even though they in reality might not be true.
For example, many believe that the sun gets up in the morning and sets in the evening. Yes?
But in reality the sun does no such thing. It only seems like it does. For it’s the rotation of the earth that creates the illusion of rising and setting.
This obviously is a constructive belief. But you probably got the picture and realise that there’s also plenty of not so constructive beliefs that operate in our lives without us being conscious of it.
And, many are either unaware or ignorant to what extent their beliefs and thoughts can actually affect their lives.
For when you’re guided by your beliefs, consciously or unconsciously, they create and operate your life through the following process.
First you think of something – we all have thoughts in our mind. Then, those thoughts, based on the beliefs you have, cause the emotions you feel.
This is worth noting. Your feelings never come from outside, it’s never the other person or the situation that causes you to feel in a certain way. It’s what you believe or think about the other person or about the situation that causes you to feel the way you feel.
Then those emotions play a role in the actions you take – you can probably imagine how likely it is to act in different ways when feeling confident or unconfident. Or certain or uncertain.
And whatever actions you end up taking, based on the emotions, those actions create the life you live.
So, the beliefs become thoughts that become emotions. And the emotions become actions that become your life.
But the circle ain’t full yet.
For the quality of your life of course leads back to your beliefs, either making them stronger, or altering them somehow. Before the circle begins again.
I used to say that if you’d like to change your life in any way, the key is to become aware of the thoughts and question them.
Are they really true? Can you be sure?
(If you’d like to dive deeper into questioning your thoughts, I can whole-heartedly recommend anything from Byron Katie.)
This, questioning your thoughts, is part of the real work you are supposed to do with yourself. Especially as a leader.
When you consciously start to question your thoughts, you open yourself up to see many more alternatives around you on how to act, what to do, and why.
It’s an opportunity for growth as a human being, an opportunity to expand and evolve your level of understanding of yourself. And thus of others.
So, what did we do with my client in the end?
First, she noticed the stories running through her mind, and then soothed them by going back to facts – no one’s after her, no one’s wanting her to fail. And most of all, no one’s expecting her to be perfect.
The interview at its simplest, is a conversation and interaction with the hosts who are interested in the same topic and excited to hear her take on it.
(When put like this, it’s easy to see how you’re more than capable of confidently having a meaningful conversation with other people on a topic you’re all interested in.)
And for her, it was also an opportunity to tap into who she really is, at her core, and letting it shine through.
And thus, it wasn’t about confidence after all.
It was about trust.
Trust in herself and in her abilities. Trust the spirit in her. Trust the infinite spirit – the mystery in us all.
And trust in the vision she was given, and her abilities to bring it to fruition.
For when that trust is there, confidence comes automatically.
Allowing you to be fully present and fully experiencing any and every situation – feeling all the feels.
While realising that the essence of you, the spirit in you, doesn’t change no matter what you experience and feel. Nor does it change for or by what others experience or feel.
It is, and always will be, the constant in your life. The one you can tap into in every situation or circumstance.
Beyond the perceptions of your mind.
And this is the requirement of the new wave of leadership.
Based on the foundation of happiness and governed by the deep sense of meaning of life and leadership, the consciousness of fulfilment and wholeness of the wisdom within.
So, next time you find yourself in doubt, work on your trust first.
With my all,
Paula
xx