Last week I was part of somewhat unnecessarily unpleasant situation where I did not agree with what was presented to me. To save you from too much of the details, I shortly describe what happened.
I was presented with a scenario between four actors, one of them blaming the other three for things going wrong. If I’ve learned something in this life, it’s that any story has many sides to it. So, I asked to hear the other sides of the story as well. After hearing them, I expressed that I did not completely agree with the original accusations.
Unfortunately I wasn’t able to communicate that in an understandable enough manner, as it caused a defensive attack and obviously hurt feelings on the other party. We agreed that we disagree and that we will have a proper conversation about it at a better time, as the other party needed to be going.
However, after pumping into this person in another occasion, she did not answer when I greeted her. And this made me think about how this is one of the areas where our conditioning is screwed up as human beings.
Why is it that we avoid having the difficult conversations? And that we still use the tactic of exile as a manner of handling uncomfortable situations?
Haven’t we been hurt enough? Especially us women, we have been exiled for so long and in so many ways in the society, going back to times when those who didn’t follow the status quo were killed or exiled (which was basically the same thing, as surviving alone, outside the protection of a tribe, was impossible back in the time. And still holding true in many areas of the world).
Even though we rarely need to be afraid of the physical exile, at least in today’s western world (although it still happens), we are conditioned to be afraid of not getting it right and ending up in suffering emotional exile or orphaning in forms of being left out of a family, kicked-out of a group or denied access to a community, for example. And as bad, conditioned to exercise the power of exiling, when things don’t go our way.
Any form of exile is a fertile soil for shame, humiliation and embarrassment. Emotions not known to foster compassion or having empathy, but that of blame.
And that’s were we so often go, to blame, if we’re not conscious of what’s happening within us and end up not only exiling but also orphaning ourselves.
If you were not taught to think for yourself or to make your own decisions, or your uniqueness wasn’t valued, it’s likely that in the adulthood we’re not confident in those areas. For many, this has lead to unclarity with running our own businesses, for example. Including me and many of my clients.
However, before we start to collect these different pieces of ourselves, we can’t become whole again. And to be able to do that, we need to be seen and heard, first and foremost, by ourselves.
When you start seeing yourself, and start to talk more truth into it than fear, that’s when you start to own who you are.
We’ve been through so much that it’s time to put the ‘wannabe happy’ face down and see and hear not only our scars and wounds, but also our beauty and healing.
As you notice, this is not about blame. Blame is just a defense mechanism against pain and hurt.
It’s about understanding, compassion and having empathy – for yourself and for others.
If you’ve ever self sabotaged your success in any area of your life by emotional exile or orphaning, it’s time to use those not as an excuse, but as an invitation to move past them. And as you know, we can’t move past something, if we haven’t stayed first.
Let’s stay in these and exercise compassion and understanding towards ourselves and each other, opening up the possibility for healing and building a sturdy foundation for us all to up-level.
Because honestly, when has the exile and exclusion brought any good? It destroys worlds – not just the one’s exiled, but also the one’s exercising that power.
What would happen if we’d exercise the power of kindness, understanding and relevance, even when we need to stay firm and keep our foot down? Even when we strongly disagree with someone and see things differently?
That’s what I’d like to find out and to give my effort. I know it’s a big ask, but do we really have a choice if we think about what we want to create into this world? If think about in what kind of world we’d like to live?
With your thoughts, words, actions and behavior you constantly create something into this world. What do you create? Would you like to create something else instead? What would you prefer?
Is it what you actually want to create? If yes, how can you make it even better? If not, how can you adjust it a little?
What else can you create into this world? What would benefit you and your loved ones the most? How about the world?
This journey begins in ourselves and with the smallest of things.
We’ve got this!